Flavor of the Month
I failed my board exam…
A big fat zero — that’s what my hopes and dreams gave birth to this past Thursday. I sat and daydreamed my way through one-and-a-half-hour’s worth of questions, only a few of which I remember on hindsight.
The computer gave me the result early Monday morning. I don’t know if you can imagine how one four-letter word can leave a cold, cold lump of lead and ice in your guts…when you discover you haven’t really spent enough of yourself to get through one test, one roadblock in your life, essential to your plans for the rest of your life. That’s what happened to me, and that’s what I did — sat through four hours of agonized soul-searching, while I tried to digest cold reality; four hours where I tried to measure the depth and resilience of my spirit, four hours of real unhappiness…right after I saw the word “fail” under my name.
I never even gave thought to what my friends and loved ones would say; my sole reality after the result flashed across my sight was true cold, one I would never wish on another. That is what happens, I kept murmuring to myself, when all your fears rhapsodize, in an almost-visual slow-motion, into one small discordant tone of reality…cold enough to sear your soul, palpable enough to torture you, even into some sort of passive curiousity, to wondering what face your reflection might show as you seek to guide sight and heart into eventual acceptance that, as hard as you stare into yourself, no considerate mirror will ever be able to shape itself from the ashes of your disappointment.
At first, I did not want to speak of it. I wanted the remembrance of the feeling to vanish, along with everything in my past I had never learned to forgive myself for. But then again, why not? Why should a chronicle of failure not belong with all the rest?
Ah, wisdom, you are a hard act to follow. You blaze paths across the twisted forests of my life, always giving me a choice, to follow or to give up, and even as you forge ahead, you also leave the trail of your passing unsmoothened…as rough as if you never passed at all…and I am obliged to follow. What sight I have is lost even before my first baby-step, and I must, thus, feel out my own path again. What sense of right and wrong I’ve learned to let guide my way is ever in flux, as if what you already know to be true would be less true if I were just to safely wait by your feet for what sour apples you might decide to drop, even on a whim; as if, what you’ve found out to be false would be less false if you deem to leave me even one dram of kindness…
So I live, past those first four hours, and more. I still do not know what I breathe in and out, whether it was grief or resolution, and whether it really matters. I only know that the one time that I wanted to win, most of all, was the time when I lost.
I failed myself.
belle
Posted 02 Jul 2003 at 10:53 am | Permalink
Sorry to hear that! *hugs* Is there a chance of a retake? One of my subjects now is Psychological Testing and Tests. There are factors that contribute to the low results of examinees. One big factor is the test anxiety. I don’t believe that you failed yourself though. Maybe you were not ready or in good condition when you took that test? Instead of dwelling on the negative aspects of failure, why don’t you examine yourself, what were the things that happened, psychological as well as physical (i.e. you feeling ok, no fever, headache, etc.) manifestations when you took it so that next time you take it, you won’t just plunge into it without ample preparation.
Now, don’t be feeling sorry for yourself. Think of other measures to remedy it. You’re NOT a failure. No one is. It’s just a matter of doing and realizing your full potentials. If you still think that you failed yourself, then, I don’t think you deserve the wisdom of your writings that we admire so much. :P You feeling ok now? Good! There’s a fighter.
joei
Posted 02 Jul 2003 at 3:25 pm | Permalink
dont be too hard on yourself.
you will find answers to what you’re looking for.
“Every end of a chapter in our lives carries the promise of a new beginning …Just when the caterpillar thought its life was over, it becomes a butterfly …”
God Bless you!
:: jozjozjoz ::
Posted 03 Jul 2003 at 7:39 am | Permalink
*HUGS*
rj
Posted 04 Jul 2003 at 4:27 am | Permalink
thanks!
Jet
Posted 18 Jul 2003 at 4:15 am | Permalink
I’m sorry to hear about this… late as it may be.
I’m a nurse myself and have taken my board exams in the Phils. I know it’s not easy. You go through 4 years of studying facts and concepts and just when you think you’re all through with it, you’re tested for the same facts and concepts and you have to remember everything in a span of hours… talk about information overload.
I got through that exam and I got through my CG. But guess what, I’m not working as a nurse… hell, I’m not even working at all. I’m a graduate of Psychology and Nursing and I am not working at anything. All else being equal, I think I should feel more of a failure than you.
But do I?
Not at all. Without attempting to justify my choices, all I will say for my part is this… After years of going through the motions and doing what was expected of me, I find that nothing has given me the sense of fulfillment that I have now. I’ve worked as a nurse, as a sales agent for a telco company, as a Sales and Marketing manager and as a GM. After all the grind, I woke up one day to find that everything I was doing was without purpose, nor honest motivation, nor the most remote feeling of joy or satisfaction.
So I stopped and sought myself. And I found what I was looking for.
It’s in the simplest existence, in the humblest company and in the emptiest moments that I learned to appreciate what I had… and find happiness right where I was. I didn’t have to reach far and dream big. One can only be as big as one sees oneself. The world will always be bigger still… and God, even more.
Take heart Ree. Scratched as this line may sound, I really believe that everything happens for a reason. Life is so full of intricate weavings, the reasons for which we may never fully understand. But if we should fall trying to unwind the coiled up strands of our lives, the only thing that can be expected of us is to pick ourselves up, brush ourselves off, and start all over again.
And don’t stop dreaming. You have to dream to be able to get up every morning.
ree
Posted 19 Jul 2003 at 8:30 am | Permalink
As I grow older, I find that I must taste, with my proverbial tongue, everything…
To live life, or so I am teaching myself, I must “savor”, and short of masochism, even every little failure, even every slight.
I am beginning to re-learn my self. The finding, is becoming, truly, a revelation.
It is not an attempt at renewal; it is merely a stab at some wisdom…the intangibility of which I might be able to impart in some way…between the lines…
I appreciate you, whoever you are :)
Michelle
Posted 08 Aug 2004 at 3:47 pm | Permalink
Good read