Monologue
I never want to cry.
When you cry, you are at your most alone. True? True! So yeah, I don’t want to cry. But saying it is different than living it, because where two or more people connect, that’s when you invite yourself into the very probability you try to avoid. Does that sound contrary? It does, doesn’t it? Relationships are causes for tears, but when you do finally cry, for one reason or another, you are alone. Just as alone as when you’re dying.
I spell loneliness with tears I never shed, and there’s no doubt I shorten my life by keeping all that wet stuff inside me, but that’s how human I am. How weak.
Where did this come from, you ask? That’s the trouble. It’s never one thing. It’s always a melange of events, of circumstances you trace — if you’re able to, and always backwards — from outburst to eventual downpour.
So, right now, I’m sitting here, trying to figure out how to pin my feelings down with a sword, er; rather, the pen. It is easier, trying to do it now, because I know you feel the same way, whoever you are.
Suppose you’re in a crowd — let’s say this crowd consists of people you’ve shared days and events with — and suddenly, simply because open communication just disappeared, you wake up, appalled, and you decide to say something, to hold whatever that’s pulling your togetherness apart, at bay. You think you only need to point out something significant, perhaps, an event that seemed to have started it all, and being impulsive, you suddenly stand and scream for attention.
Imagine all eyes suddenly upon you; questioning, realizing, and judging. And you stand there without a script, with the best intentions. In my place, would you be able to say anything at all?
It depends, right? Yeah, it does. And you’re as suddenly frozen in your tracks just as you realize that, and realizing further that they’re all waiting for you to say whatever you have to say, you start to panic and all your good intentions suddenly melt away, and you’re stripped bare of everything except for the desire to run away.
But you decide you can’t, see? You gotta say it. You gotta say that you’re full of grief, and you don’t want to cry because that’s when you’re at your loneliest. You need all of them, you want to scream, and you need them whole again. Simply because you never want to cry.
So yeah, you start over again. You say…
I never want to cry. But I’m almost ready to do that most hateful thing because I see how we’re drifting apart; going back to being islands, going back to being crippled singularities, going back to being helpless in the face of a world’s cruelty.
Together we are a force. Together we can move mountains. Together we can change the world.
You say a lot more, but you were never good at crowd-playing, and after a while, you notice you’ve lost them to their own concerns. After a while, you are alone again.
And yeah, you never want to cry.
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